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Plucking at angular thoughts that are scoffing hard at the palettes of greys that are knotted compared to the cool blue perpetually shared through your set to breathe veins and the game of your attitude glowing like fire scored backwards. Desire set us up to fail like the frail wings that carry me. A fireplace whispering sickly apologies for burning the photos collecting our history. The streetlights stand rigid and fidget with guilt for the alcohol fueled fumes of Fridays and drug abuse.

Cue up an organ much larger than mine and you'll find maybe I haven't really described the scars that I've earned through the lessons not learned. The push to collapse, the friends that I've asked far too much far too often, and seeing their softening eyes as a sign that maybe it's better to hide in the written apologies that only a few people see but don't get. I scream and forget, I cut at my neck, I won't give her respect. I go off my pills for the thrill of insanity. They hand me their bodies, I break them and leave, but God, I believe it was not my disease but theirs. The care that they will still place in the folds of my face that will shake a the thought of their breaking my adamant dam of delusion. The paths that I'm choosing. The chaos that's home to me, but your arms under me pin me with reasons to take thoughts and seize them before their cohesion can justify slightly my legs thin and flighty, still fighting the need for some more scattered seeds of someone to be a key or acetylene torch.

Sort of? Maybe? I don't know. I hate me. But you might not, right? I'm funny and trying to offer you something, and keep my mind barely contained so I don't lose the honest hearts like you or anyone else now or then to depression or panic attacking. The manic me stacking the stresses and fucking when no one is looking. I don't want to lose you, when I'm sane, I choose you.

Accepting both halves of me, could you love insanity?

(Why would you.)

If you can't stay, then go.
Just go.


from Walls, released June 29, 2015



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New Orleans Swim Team Edmonton, Alberta

Words by Jacob Ulickij.

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